Absence

Many times over the last few years I have found myself either horrendously busy or totally without obligations. I tried to relax on down time in order to build up a head of steam for the next bought of busy-ness, and sometimes I was successful. Other times, I would start to sit down, in order to draw in the stillness, and found my head filled with anxiety laden thoughts like a to-do list I wasn’t planning to work on yet, stupid things I’d done in high school (15+ years ago…), planning for upcoming events, etc. I have struggled on and off with anxiety like this for years, judging myself, self loathing at times, sometimes sinking into depression. I’ve never sought out help for these issues because I tend to pile them all up under the heading of, “Joys of Adulting,” and tell myself that everyone goes through this. A big part of me still fully believes that. The smaller, quieter part says that it’s not normal and I have to work to make sure I keep that mess under control or it will run away with me. I’m not sure if either of those brain parts are right, or if there even is a “right.”

I don’t normally talk about these things as they roll around in my head. Hell, half the time I feel like an ass for using the word anxiety because I’ve known people who have serious anxiety problems that have inhibited their day-to-day life so really, what’s my problem? I just worry too much. Right? I even had someone once tell me, “you care too much. About everything. In general.” That was honestly the strangest thing I think anyone had ever said to me. I care too much? Is that possible? I do care that I’m living the best life I can and making the world around me better if possible. I care that there are people who need help all over the world. I care that this planet is physically living and everything we do has an effect on it. Is that caring too much? I mean, I still take time to focus on minutia around me like the grocery shopping and the watching TV and the stupid little trivial things that matter not in the grand scheme.

So yeah. This is where I am. The fact that I’m only working part time means I have a lot of time to rattle around in my own thoughts and imagination. Sometimes it leads me to projects and chores. Other times it leads me to draw in and close off to all things outside. It’s a bit like thinking about all the things on your to-do list and then curling up and napping instead of doing anything, but worse. It’s a passing issue and I can feel it letting up a bit already, so hopefully I’ll have my momentum for writing and doing and going back soon; I have so many things to work on!

*deep breath* okay, I am going to bid farewell for now. I hope everyone that could enjoyed the eclipse.

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